Mother Nature, your time is up. Too long your mood swings have been tolerated, but not anymore. Too long you have abused us humans with your tornadoes, hurricanes, blizzards and other natural disasters of the sort. Now is the hour of your discontent.

My fellow Earthicans, it’s time we finally band together and fight back against this planet that so often terrorizes us. They have killed our people and given us minor inconveniences like getting snow all over your brand new shoes and making them wear out faster. Even though they were only $30, it still sucks they won’t last as long as you wanted them to, and then you’ll have to buy a new pair sooner, and then they won’t have the right size, and then you’ll need to order them on Amazon, and you’ll need to pay shipping, and that’s another two dollars right there, and then you’ll get them and put them on, and then you’ll realize that you ordered the wrong size and then out of frustration you’ll swear off shoes for the rest of your life, and then you’ll get frostbite or pneumonia.

While you may not realize it, you have the power to destroy this planet once and for all. We can all do our part, whether it be fracking for oil and then burning said oil, or simply purchasing hundreds of pre-1970s aerosol products and spraying them at the sky to steadily deplete the ozone layer. If we all do our part, then within a few decades we can destroy Mother Nature for good.

You may run into the problem of extreme temperatures and your skin beginning to boil as the seas reach such extreme levels that it has engulfed most of the Earth’s land, but you must persevere.

We cannot allow Mother Nature to oppress us any longer. If things truly go sour, we can all escape to the floating mass of garbage that floats in the Pacific Ocean to live out the rest of our days. If you would like to review the escape plan, you can visit escapetogarbageisland.blogspot.com for more information.

Some hippies will still insist we need to protect Mother Nature, and that if we do, things will get better. However, these people don’t realize this is exactly what Mother Nature wants. If we don’t fight back we will be easy prey. Rather we must fight back against her oppression and show Mother Nature who’s the boss.

We have lost too many lives to allow this tyranny to continue, so grab your nearest gas can and burn the nearest forest. We need to fight back against Mother Nature; we need to fight for all the lost shoes.

Alex Bertsch is the opinion editor for The Dakota Student. He can be reached at [email protected].