In a shocking announcement from the University of North Dakota, it has been revealed that the historic Chester Fritz Library will be torn down this summer.
According to university leadership, the decision to demolish the library came after much debate in which the deciding factor was actually the opinion of CFL Head Librarian Charles H. Abernathy. During a meeting wherein Abernathy was meant to advise university leaders about the proper course of action regarding the building, he expressed flatly that he didn’t even think the student body would notice if the library got up and walked away.
“College students just aren’t reading like they used to,” said Abernathy in a statement to the press. “To be honest, I don’t think a student has checked out a book in at least four years.”
As the CFL’s day of destruction draws closer, library janitorial staff have been busy clearing the building of anything worthy of being spared from the impending wrecking ball.
“We actually found a human skeleton in one of the fourth-floor study rooms,” said Paige Turner, a janitor at the university. “We’re not sure how long it’s been up there, but the police have been contacted.”
Following Abernathy’s statements, the Dakota Student sent several reporters into the Chester Fritz to confirm his claims about the building’s lack of use by the student body. As of the publication of this article, these reporters have been missing for nearly 72 hours. The remaining Dakota Student staff are confident they’ll turn up sooner or later.
After its destruction this summer, construction will begin as soon as possible on the building that will take the Chester Fritz’s place: The Nistler College of Business & Administration II.
“This is a really exciting development for the business program at UND,” said Janey Bucksley, interim dean of the college. “Now if we can just get Merrifield Hall demolished within the year, we’ll have Nistler College III constructed in time for the school’s 110th anniversary.”
For students sad to see such a historic campus fixture meet its demise, some consolation can be found in the university’s plans for a memorial to the storied library. The memorial will be built in the currently empty lot where Squires and Walsh Hall once resided. It is planned to be a perfect replica of the original structure, filled with the books that once stocked the shelves of the building it is modeled after. Students can even check out books from this memorial, as a way of paying homage to the university’s lost library.
Happy April Fools, and remember to crack open a book every once in a while. Your brain will thank you.
Quinn Berg is a Dakota Student Section Editor. He can be reached at [email protected].
