3 out of 5 stars

Have you ever been in such a bind for pizza that you would pay all of the money in your wallet for a single slice? Me neither. But a very similar situation went down this past Wednesday at the Marco’s Pizza in the UND Old Main Marketplace, minus the being in a bind part.

Marco’s is located where Sbarro Pizza was in the Marketplace, and has a similar setup. Pizza is cooked fresh, placed under a heating lamp and then reheated before being warmed up again and served to customers.

For the record, heating lamps are where good pizza goes to die, and I’m fairly confident Marco’s was not particularly good pizza to begin with.

As I stood in line, I spotted a seductive looking slice of meat lover’s pizza. It was covered in large chunks of sausage, bacon pieces and Canadian bacon. Suspiciously absent was pepperoni, but I was willing to look over this glaring flaw in a meat lover’s pizza, as I was feeling accepting and merciful that day.

The slice was brought to my attention by the fact that the pizza had been very nonproportionally cut and was almost twice the size of the other pieces.

Naturally, the server gave me the 20 percent smaller slice to its left. At this point, I was no longer feeling accepting and only feeling merciful. Getting scammed out of pizza can damage a man like that.

It’s also worth noting that the single, warmed-up slice was $3.99 without tax. That is well within the territory of a whole Little Caeser’s pizza. Ballsy move, Marco’s. Ballsy move.

When I finally sat down to eat the pricey slice of pizza, my first bite was greeted with some very disappointing bacon.

Bacon is possibly the most overhyped hipster food in existence. There, I said it. I have never eaten a piece of bacon and thought, “Gee willikers, I sure am excited about this fried hunk of pig fat in my mouth!”

But back to the bacon in question. While it tasted like it should, the texture was like it was made from a worn out football that’s been in the dark corner of a garage since the early ‘70s.

But fighting past that, everything was perfectly mediocre.

Nothing strayed too far into “this is good” or “this is bad” territory. The cheese was average, the sauce was average and the crust was just the slightest bit above average. It truly was the 1999 Toyota Corolla of pizzas.

With its completely run-of-the-mill taste and slightly-too-proud price, Marco’s Pizza scores a completely boring 3 out of 5 stars.

Granted, this was just a single slice of warmed-up pizza. A fresh pizza from Marco’s would probably have a slightly higher rating. But if you’re the kind of person that’s consistently scores C’s on tests, enjoys “The Big Bang Theory” and loves khaki pants, congratulations. I have found the most average pizza to complete your overall averageness.

Brendan McCabe is the features editor for The Dakota Student.He can be reached at [email protected]