This information may come as a shock to many, but the evidence is insurmountable.

For years, all the students and staff of the university have been lied to, but I am here to finally reveal the truth:

UND President Robert O. Kelley is a vampire.

That’s right, Dr. Kelley is a nightstalker. While this news may sound unbelievable, I have spent minutes, maybe even  hours gathering the irrefutable evidence that Kelley is indeed a vampire.

What led me to this discovery was Kelley’s Wikipedia page, which provides a very extensive 56 word summary of his entire life, consisting of his presidency at UND and his time as dean of the College of Health Sciences at the University of Wyoming. What is not mentioned on the page, however is Kelley’s date of birth.

While this alone was enough to convince me that he was beyond any shadow of a doubt a vampire, I also happened to notice that he was not only dean of the College of Health Sciences, but was also a professor of medical education and public health.

Coincidence? I think not, and if you think so, then you’re stupid and I hate you.

While I was already steadfast in my belief that I had discovered the skeleton in Kelley’s closet, I decided to dig deeper, in the hope that I could discover even more incriminating evidence.

What I discovered was that the UND website also has a very extensive biography of Kelley  —  it even has a picture. It details both his time spent working in the biology departments at the University of Illinois at Chicago, the University of New Mexico, and the University of California, Berkeley. All the time, he was harvesting blood from these universities to satisfy his thirst.

The biography also notes the time he spent working abroad in places like Australia, Grenada, Brazil, Nepal, Japan and the Netherlands. It is safe to assume that these trips were arranged for Kelley to learn skills from elder vampires, so that he may use these skills to better advance his agenda.

In the far more traditional vampire tests, Kelley shows his true vampiric nature.

First off, does Kelley hate garlic? I have never seen him eat garlic, or touch garlic for that matter and seeing as how no accounts exist that tell of Kelley eating garlic, I believe it is safe to assume that he has never eaten garlic.

Second, does he have a reflection? No pictures or accounts exist of Kelly’s reflection, thus it definitely doesn’t exist. This is one sign of vampirism that cannot be explained by allergies that the government makes up to make sure that kids can’t have their favorite nutty snacks in classrooms.

Finally, does Kelley stay out of the sun? Well no, there are definitely many pictures and accounts of him going out during the day, but this probably just means that he is some kind of reverse albino vampire that can go in the sun or something. We must remember the threat of vampirism is far reaching and unforseen

And to those that say my evidence is coincidental at best, and completely falsified at worst, I say that is very insulting to me, and I am offended.

Students, faculty and staff, the president of our university is a vampire and definitely not just a well educated man who is trying to do his job, and is a pretty nice guy to have a conversation with. Nope. He’s a vampire. He also might be a lycanthrope hybrid like in “Underworld,” but that’s just a theory.

Alex Bertsch is the opinion editor of The Dakota Student. He can be reached at [email protected].