Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and you know what that means: chocolate, teddy bears holding hearts that say “I wuv u” and lots of sex.

Since we’re all adults here, I figure it’s high time we had a frank little chat about what needs to happen for sex to be both fun and safe. I’m not going to take the time to lecture you about what happens with the birds and the bees or the birds and the birds or the bees and the bees or the otters and the giraffes or the otters and giraffes and the birds … we all know what goes on.

But we never talk holistically about sex. We always talk about one facet of it — it’s always condoms or consent, not both. And, on top of that, we usually only talk about heterosexual intercourse and ignore the many other ways of getting it on.

So, let’s set a few ground rules before you crazy kids go running for the nearest bush:

We’re going to approach this in the general order that sex (should/usually) happen from beginning to… erm… end.

The first step is consent. This is a very simple concept that gets very sticky quickly. Yes means yes and no means no, right? Well, yes and no.

No always means no. No response means no. An unwilling/unenthusiastic yes means no. Both parties should be willing and, more importantly, wanting to have sex with each other -— and they should be in full control of their facilities. If a person is too drunk to drive, they are too drunk to consent.

If ever in doubt, ask. And for those of you naysayers out there who say consent “isn’t sexy,” I have two questions for you: Have you tried it, and how did you do it?

The best first kiss I ever had was from someone who asked if he could kiss me before doing so. His question allowed us to skip all the awkwardness of “should I kiss him?” “does she want to kiss?” and the potential moment when one person puckers while the other is trying to shake hands.

There are plenty of ways to incorporate consent without stopping the forward motion of the relations. Dirty talk to just plain asking “Are you enjoying this?” can all fall under the wonderful umbrella that is consent.

The other thing to keep in mind with consent is that it’s ever changing.

For example, ask before switching positions — it doesn’t matter if you’re going from spooning to missionary or from whips and chains to balloons. Consent can be withdrawn at anytime, and it is your responsibility as a good partner to be respectful and mindful of your partner’s wishes and needs (and that should go both ways, by the way — your partner should be caring just as much about your needs as well).

So, consent has been clearly given. On to the more exciting stuff — let’s talk about the tools of sex that should always be in your arsenal: Protection and lube.

For those of you with penises, I’m sure you’re familiar with condoms. For anyone who isn’t, here’s a quick rubdown: Check the condom out before putting it on to make sure it’s intact. Pinch the tip (of the condom, unless you and your partner are into that kind of thing, in which case, have fun but pinch the tip of the condom too) to make sure there will be enough space to catch any fluid. Then roll it down until it reaches the base of the penis.

There. Done. Pretty simple, huh? And no excuses about “ruining the moment” when it comes to taking the time to put one on — there are plenty of ways this can be done very well, but I’ll leave that part to your imagination.

For those of you with vulvas, do not forget dental dams! They are simple to use — they are sheets of really stretchy plastic that a partner uses to put a barrier between mouth and vulva. As with condoms, make sure there aren’t any holes in the dam.

As for your third item in your arsenal, lube, let’s talk openly. Many more people are going to prefer sex with this than without this. Using lube is not a judgement on performance. Keep in mind that water-based lube is safest as it won’t degrade any latex protection that you and your partner are already using.

Last, and certainly not least, make sure you are using these items at the right times. Condoms need to be on before oral. Dental dams are designed for oral sex, so their use goes without saying. There are plenty of STDs that are able to be transferred between genitals and mouth — play it safe, folks.

Also, remember that protection items are one-use only. If you are going to have sex more than once, remember to have more than one condom/dam. They are pretty easy to find — swing by Student Health to get both for free.

During the after-glow, I hate to ruin the moment, but go to the bathroom. This is especially important for those of us with vulvas, but UTIs are not something either men or women want to get saddled with. They can become surprisingly dangerous very quickly.

As for you folks who will be spending Valentine’s Day enjoying the company of yourself, I haven’t forgotten about you. Your tips are a little shorter since there is one less person at the party. Keep your toys (and hands) clean — wash them before and after. Make sure your lube is compatible with the type of toy you use — again water-based is safest. If you’re new to the world of sex toys, don’t fret — there are plenty of varieties for all sorts of tastes. Google is your friend here.

So, if you’re spending Valentine’s Day in the arms of your significant other, sexy person you met at the club or by yourself with a glass of merlot and something that goes buzz, keep in mind that sex (and all of its forms) can be both fun and safe on all levels.

Kjerstine Trooien is a staff writer for The Dakota Student. She can be reached at [email protected].