I have a crush. Oh, boy, do I have it bad, too. And I am completely out of my element.

I’ve always had a problem understanding how romance works. I don’t “get” flirting. I don’t understand how laughing at all of a guy’s jokes leads to anything more substantial than lying with a chuckle. I don’t express “like” very well when talking to the subject of my affections.

When a person likes me, I usually have no clue. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. It usually has to be pointed out to me by a third party. Saying I’m completely and utterly oblivious to signals is putting it kindly.

Because I was the fairly traditional awkward bookworm type growing up (and let’s be honest, I still am exactly that type), I didn’t get much experience with the stuff that happens past crushes.

I always had this idea, even if unconsciously, that someday it would all make sense. I’d suddenly be able to recognize the signals of flirting. I’d suddenly be able to utilize them without making a complete fool of myself. I’d suddenly know exactly what to do with a crush that I wanted to turn into the great “something more.”

Here’s the thing: I turn 24 in a few days, and that still hasn’t happened. I’m still hopelessly clueless when it comes to wooing the men. Honestly, I’d be better off a robot. Or a plant. Nothing has clicked into place. I haven’t unlocked the magic secret that is understanding how this thing called “dating” works.

I like things clean-cut and dry. I like to have a timeline. I also understand that a first date isn’t going to go well if I sit down with the poor boy and plan out the next five years together.

Maybe it’s because I’ve watched too many romantic comedies. I’ve gotten too used to the idea that the story goes: girl likes guy, guy likes girl, they date, they fight, they make up and live happily ever after. I’ve never realized that dating, crushes and relationships are messy.

It’s so tempting to fall into the trap of believing that relationships are clean-cut. It’s easier than believing that there is going to be mess and all you can do is clean up when it happens. There is no prevention when it comes to mess, not really.

And here, you begin to see my particular problem — I look too deeply. Yes, I can sit back and enjoy the rollercoaster that is dating, but why do that when I can plan the whole trip through the amusement park? I forget that crushes are the cotton candy — something to enjoy once in a while but not to think too hard about.

Sure, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the butterflies I get when he laughs at a joke of mine. However, picking colors for our wedding might be a bit too much (purple and gold, by the way).

It all comes down to balancing the energy you’re willing to put into what is ultimately a risk.

I call this a risk because there is no way to know the outcome. When another person steps into the equation, everything is thrown off. For all I know, he likes me just as much. For all I know, he thinks I’m something that crawled out of the Coulee. I have a choice, all of us with crushes have a choice — do we put energy into it or do we risk missing out?

Believe me, if I had an answer to this I’d share it. I’m hardly the only one who is confused by these pesky things we call feelings. But really, the only answer I have is what I started with: I have a crush.

Kjerstine Trooien is a staff writer for The Dakota Student. She can be reached at [email protected].