Gun laws target zombie outbreak

It seems we never seem to be done with this constant debate on gun control.

Some advocates for stricter gun control often bring out the argument, “Why do average civilians need fully automatic rifles with armour piercing rounds?”

The answer is simple. Many of these people we often miscategorize as gun nuts are actually secretly preparing for the inevitable zombie uprising.

HZV (also known as human zombie virus) is not a common disease, yet it is highly contagious. It only takes one case to turn America into the bleak zombie wasteland that is commonly depicted in films and TV shows about zombies.

When you are facing an endless stream of zombies, a simple handgun by itself is virtually useless. This is where a fully automatic AR-15 would come in handy, or perhaps an M32 grenade launcher. With one of these fearsome death machines by your side, surviving the zombie apocalypse would be a piece of cake.

Many gun control opponents will often cite the 2nd Amendment as to why they need to be carrying around submachine guns, like the zombie-killing machine that is the MP5. After all, it is their right as an American citizen.

The better question is why? What was the intended purpose of the 2nd Amendment? Most who cite it often say one of the reasons our gun rights are so important was that our founding fathers wanted to us to be protected in the case of a corrupt government taking over, that we should be armed exactly the same as our government so that if it did become corrupt we would be able to defend ourselves from it.

While this might have been true of the time, the most advanced piece of military technology was a single shot musket. Today, military technology has evolved to such a point that it would be impossible for the average citizen to arm themselves the same as the government.

However, I think our forefathers foresaw this, and they had another purpose in mind for the 2nd Amendment.

It’s not an outdated law that was intended for a specific time and culture. No, even back then, zombology (the study of zombies) had a difficult time being taken seriously in the scientific community. Our founding fathers knew that zombology would continue to be a controversial field and wanted to make sure that our constitution protected our inalienable rights to protect ourselves from the inevitable zombie invasion.

Those who have kept up with zombology in recent years know that it is still not taken seriously in the scientific community, with many accusations of fabricated studies and exaggerated simulation videos.

While it’s true there has not been a single zombological article published in a peer reviewed journal, it’s also true that the word of experts should very rarely be trusted. Just because someone spent years and years studying something doesn’t mean they know what they are talking about.

You’ll notice that zombology also isn’t taught in schools. Some people claim that science has not yet proven that we can reanimate the dead, yet Jesus already proved it can be done. Despite this, they still claim that we shouldn’t teach zombology to children. However, doesn’t it make more sense to teach both theories and let the children decide for themselves?

That’s why I’m Kickstarting a new awareness campaign called “Zombology: Teach the Controversy.”

Now it could be easy to dismiss me as raving lunatic — this has happened to those who dare to publicly express concerns about the zombie apocalypse. But I’m not the only one with this controversial viewpoint.

UND Junior, Michael V. — who refused to share the rest of his last name because, and I quote, “They might be on to me” — had this to say about the inevitability of the zombie uprising: “I look at Zombieland as more of a training guide than a movie, and I keep my AK-47 close at all times, as our forefathers intended.”

The viewpoint can be summarized in his eloquently said, “There are three things I am sure of: Jesus, America and Zombies.”

Hopefully this article has convinced you of the necessity of our nation’s gun laws. The threat of zombie attack is far-reaching and unforeseeable. Let’s be sure we’ve got enough machine guns and land mines to handle the situation when it comes.

Mike Rauser is a staff writer for The Dakota Student. He can be reached at [email protected].