Have you seen my husband? His name is David. He has curly hair, is really tall, and is in pretty good shape. We’ve been married two years. Our anniversary is on the 20th of June. We honeymooned in Florence. He works in architecture, but is currently taking a break to pursue his art (he plays the harp). It’s a fairly happy marriage, but he can be a bit stoney sometimes.

For those of you who haven’t caught on, I am not actually married. I am about as far from marriage a person can get when it comes to how single I am. And yet, every now and then, you’ll find me wearing a wedding band, engagement ring or some combo of the two.

The above story is my go-to when questioned (which happens far more often than you’d think). It’s easy to remember because Michelangelo’s “David” is one of my favorite works of art, and the 20th of June is my parent’s anniversary.

I work at a small hotel as a front desk attendant. My shifts are in the evenings, and I’m occasionally the only staff member in the building. I get hit on, especially when I’m working alone.

I’m not talking about compliments, or legitimate attempts to ask me out (which are still inappropriate when I am working). I’m talking about the “Hey, sweetie, come sit on my lap and share a drink,” sexually suggestive gestures or straight up “invitations” to a guest’s room. These comments, gestures and other forms of harassment make me understandably uncomfortable. Sometimes, they even scare me. Some of the commenters won’t take “no thanks,” “I’m working” or even a flat out “no” for an answer.

So I got a few rings, came up with a story, and can now brush off all of these with a simple flash of the hand and a “Sorry, I don’t think my husband would like that very much.” I’ve lost count of the times that the guy dropped the subject right then and there. Twice, the creeps kept pushing.

When I bought the ring, I posted a status about my fake husband to Facebook. The backlash I got was unexpected. I got called “antifeminist” because I was essentially — according to the links to feminist blogs provided — perpetuating the idea that a woman is off limits only when a man has already claimed her. I should, instead, tell these men “no” and stick to my answer. The thing is, with some of these guys, I could scream “no,” knee them in the groin and run away as fast as I can and they would still think that if they ask just one more time, I’d give them a different answer.

It is not, and never has been, antifeminist to take precautions. It should not be my responsibility to learn self defense, wear a fake ring and/or carry pepper spray everywhere, but choosing to do so is not antifeminist, it’s just safe.

If anything, wearing a fake ring is turning the “you’re perpetuating the patriarchy” argument against itself. I am taking advantage of the thought that once a woman is claimed, she is off limits. I am taking control over how people perceive me in order to keep myself safe and sane. To use the words that were thrown at me back at them, I’m using the patriarchal views against themselves. I’m essentially fighting fire with the illusion of fire.

In my perfect world, “no thanks” would be enough. No person would get hit on who didn’t want to; no one would get catcalled. Of course, my perfect world will never exist. However, I think that we can at least change how we view hitting on people. We can turn it into “not manly.” We can teach men and women that “no” means exactly that. We can give power back to the target and take it away from the harasser. But this will take time and work. Until then, I’ll keep wearing my ring.
Kjerstine Trooien is a staff writer for The Dakota Student. She can be reached at [email protected].