Letter to the editor: Long-term relationships

There was an article written in the Dakota Student a couple weeks ago, in the Sept. 12 edition, on making relationships last, entitled, “Keeping a Long-Term Relationship Alive.” The writer was onto something, but the ideas need some refinement, especially in the point of view she was seeing relationships from.

She wrote about physical attractiveness, noting, “A common reason for why people cheat on their partners is because they’re no longer attracted to them. Their co-worker is still hot though, and everyone likes having sex with someone who’s hot…” and continuing, “The simplest way to prevent a cheating partner is to always put the same amount of effort into your appearance as you did when you were single.”

Another issue in long-term relationships she wrote about was keeping the relationship interesting. She says, “They don’t have to be boring though. Keep planning fun date night activities. Keep having kinky sex. Travel the world together. Whatever you do, do not be that couple who does nothing but watch movies in your sweatpants together. This goes back to what I mentioned earlier about staying hot. People are more likely to cheat when they’re bored. Don’t be boring.”

The author has a point in talking about the two ideas; they are important indicators of real relationships.

Love as attraction is a real thing. We start dating someone because we are attracted to him or her, and as relationships progress successfully, our attraction often builds. But true attraction is only partially based on physical looks. True attraction is attracted to a person, not a body. You cannot separate the two. Physical attraction is a good thing, but it does not encompass attraction. To the second point, enjoying a romantic partner is awesome, and when a couple can’t simply enjoy each other’s presence, it is usually a bad indicator of the relationship. But to enjoy another’s presence doesn’t mean they need to have kinky sex or travel the world together. Rather, it goes back to attraction, and a couple is healthy when they can enjoy each other, especially the small things.

Take Sean, the therapist, in Good Will Hunting, when talking to Will about his relationship with his wife, he says, “My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful little idiosyncrasies. She used to fart in her sleep… But Will, she’s been dead for 2 years, and that’s the s— I remember: wonderful stuff you know? Little things like that. Those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I know about: that’s what made her my wife. Oh, she had the goods on me too, she knew all my little peccadilloes. People call these things imperfections, but they’re not. Ah, that’s the good stuff.” I think this quote really hits the heart of the issue. A long-term relationship isn’t something we make work by trying to keep our partner attracted and interested in us by jumping through all of these hoops. I can’t entice the love from my fiancée by working out and staying interesting. A loving relationship stays together for love’s sake. It extends past attraction and builds more attraction. Love, not the feeling referred to all the time, but the virtue, keeps relationships together. Often, you will find loving couples working out for each other and doing interesting things together. Those are not things they are doing to foster love; their love fosters those things. Love always makes things better, and good relationships always start with authentic love. We can’t create love situationally, we can only receive and give love, and the byproduct of that will be great sex and true joy. Staying physically attractive and fun will never keep a long-term relationship together. Love will keep a long-term relationship fun, interesting and long lasting.

I’m not saying long-term relationships are easy. The majority of long-term relationships– marriages, in the United States –it seems, aren’t thriving. And to thrive in a long-term relationship takes much more than emotional bonding and physical connection. It takes real, self-giving, humble love. I can’t preach this as if I accomplish it, but I know it’s real.

I don’t believe that keeping myself physically attractive and keeping my relationships interesting are going to save or preserve my marriage.

I believe in love.

Jonathan Preszler

psychology major